Take the personality quiz to confirm whether you’re still alive.
1. How do you feel right now? Choose the best answer.
a. Right now I feel nothing. (+)
b. Right now I feel chest pain, a stinging under my left shoulder blade, and jaw spasms. (–)
c. I feel omnipotence and all-pervasiveness. (=)
d. Pretty normal, nothing’s really bothering me, but, well, there’s always fear, you know. I should go to the doctor more often, but I guess everything’s OK... Alright, tomorrow I’ll at least go get a blood test. (#)
2. A rich person invites you to dine at an exclusive restaurant. What do you order?
a. I’m not hungry, I think I’ll weigh up my sins instead. (+)
b. Ribs, fries with a double portion of tallow sauce, fattened piglet in groats garnished with crackling. I’ll save my last breath for ordering a beer. (–)
c. Fish, a vegetable smoothie, salad, white wine. (#)
d. Nothing for me, but manna from heaven for everybody else. (=)
3. When you’re in a hurry, how often do you jaywalk?
a. Haste makes waste! Get thee behind me, Satan! (=)
b. It’s been known to happen, but at least I look both ways first. (#)
c. I don’t know. When I’m in a hurry – and I’m always in a hurry, I’m so stressed! – I don’t even look at the traffic signals. Boom! Ouch! (–)
d. I’m already at the end of my road, there are no traffic signals here. (+)
4. Do you do any sport, even once in a while?
a. I try to go to the pool regularly, I ride my bike in the summer, I like to take walks, but walks aren’t a sport, right? (#)
b. I don’t have any TIME for sport. (+)
c. I don’t have time for SPORT. (–)
d. I AM time. (=)
5. Do you smoke cigarettes?
a. I gave up fags a long time ago, now I only smoke crack. Ooh, ugh, arrrgh… (–)
b. Well, alright, when I was a young whippersnapper I used to. Now I might light up at a party, but in general I’m not a smoker. (#)
c. The only smoking I tolerate is the smoking of meat. (=)
d. Not anymore, now only others light up – candles. (+)
Count the symbols by your answers:
If you have mostly ‘#’: we predict that you’ll die after some time, you might even live to old age. Of course, as we know, death is capricious, but you’re doing what’s humanly possible to delay it. That’s the right attitude, we’re impressed!
If you have mostly ‘–’: we think there’s a risk that you’re dying right now! Well, OK, maybe not right now, but most likely these are the final days or at least months of your life. We’re glad you’re spending them reading “Przekrój”!
If you have mostly ‘=’: with a certain amount of envy, we have to admit that you’re never going to die, because you have the power of immortality. There’s a certain chance that you’re one of the widely recognized deities. We congratulate you and humbly ask: how should we address you?
If you have mostly ‘+’: we’re sorry to say it, but you must have noticed that you’re no longer alive. It’s really uncomfortable that you’re finding it out this way. Write if you’d like us to inform your next of kin.
Translated from the Polish by Nathaniel Espino
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