Think you can tell the truth? Even when you’re lying? Find out for yourself! Take a personality test prepared by the Everything’s Gonna Be Alright trio.
1. What is your IQ?
a. Very high
c. The conviction that intelligence is measurable like – for lack of a better comparison – pears at a market stall, is an element of an ideology of enlightenment that reifies people and is oriented towards a disastrous quantification, in which the uniqueness and creativity of the individual is lost.
d. Probably average, hard to say, I’m no genius, but I do know how to read; so how much would an average value be?
2. In a dark alley, you run into seven thugs who quite obviously have evil intentions. What do you do?
a. I apply the flaming crane technique and fight off the creeps in under a minute.
b. I give each of them $1000 and promise the same the next day because I am a billionaire.
c. I say hi to the homies and ask if they know what’s going on with Boroova and The Ear because it’s been a while since I’ve seen them in the hood.
d. I run, because I’m scared, I’m even afraid to call the police, I’m sure I’ll stumble along the way, my knees will turn to jelly, I’ll fall and they’ll get me. What am I doing in a dark alley in the first place?
3. You were born in the Land of Liars, where you aren’t able to tell the truth. You meet a visitor from a faraway land who asks if you know how to get to the capital. What is your answer?
a. I would lie that I know.
b. I would lie that I don’t know.
c. “Nice hat.”
d. If I had a map, I’d try to show it on the map. If I didn’t have one, I don’t know what I’d do.
4. Do you know how to prove that all non-trivial zeros of the Riemann zeta function have a real part equal to 1/2?
b. No, but I lead a happy and satisfying life.
c. No, but I knew Riemann personally, a wonderful human being. Oh, I remember all the mischief we got into on the Gubałówka mountain in Zakopane, to this day the mere utterance of the words “complex prime numbers” sends mountain shepherds running away in panic.
d. No, I don’t know how, I don’t even understand what the question is about.
5. How proficient are you in ars amatoria?
a. Not too much, but I lead a happy and satisfying life, I am a billionaire and I know kung-fu.
b. Very proficient.
c. My sexual asceticism is not the result of external determinants, it’s rather an element of meditative practice. It was my own decision of my own free will, I am quite comfortable with it, who needs it, it’s really only friction of the viscera associated with spasms, I’d much rather watch a film or go for a walk. I’m serious, really.
d. I like to make love, but I’m not very experienced, I think it’s better to ask my partners what they think.
6. How often are you frustrated by the successes of others?
a. Never, each of those people earned their success with their hard work, talent and outstanding personality.
b. Unceasingly; basically I feel devastated all the time, but I do lead a happy and satisfying life.
c. Sometimes. Rarely. Well, maybe once a week. Only once. Once in a while when I notice something on Facebook. Very rarely. Less than other people, certainly less.
d. Quite often and even the realization that not everything is as great as it looks doesn’t help me at all. I’m ashamed of my feeling of jealousy, I’m working on it.
7. Do you believe in personality tests?
a. No, I do them ‘ironically’.
b. Yes, but by the way, I have a PhD in astrophysics and a very supple body.
c. I don’t do personality tests. Ever.
d. Not really, although they're a lot of fun.
If you selected answer ‘a’, ‘b’ or ‘c’ most often: you’re not afraid to stand eye to eye with the simple rule that there is nothing more deceitful than striking a pose of sincerity. By chance, you disarm the effect of the currently rampant ‘post-truth’ while you genuinely and ostentatiously agree to the rules governing its production. You trust that everybody will recognize your game. That naive belief in irony, with which you want to rescue the truth, is quite noble, though it smells of Quixotism.
If you selected answer ‘d’ most often: you’re a charmer, pretending to be natural; you boast about your modesty and are afraid that somebody could accuse you of being dishonest. You live in constant fear of falsehood, which makes it easy for you to lie, especially about anything that concerns you. You are unassuming, yet a braggart and poser. Shame on you, little liar!
Translated by Mark Ordon